


Bathroom Lows

by IWannaBeYahtzee



Series: Bedroom Highs [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor Needs Help, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-31 00:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12120891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWannaBeYahtzee/pseuds/IWannaBeYahtzee
Summary: Connor reaches his lowest point and Evan is there to pull him out of it.Sequel to Bedroom Highs





	Bathroom Lows

**Author's Note:**

> So this is kind connected to Bedroom Highs. Enjoy!

It was when Connor was giving Evan a ride to school on Monday that Evan firmly established he'd never touch weed again. He explained it was one of those things where it was a nice experience to have: once. Connor would be lying if he said he wasn't disappointed but he accepted his decision and he couldn't say it wasn't what he expected from Evan. Plus he didn't wanna get his pure little angel hooked like he was.

They hadn't really talked much about what happened that night. Other than acknowledging that they both had feelings for each other they hadn't really defined what their relationship was now. Were they boyfriends? Friends with benefits? He blushed a little remembering it all. He was rarely so open with people and he was beginning to get the feeling the same was true for Evan. He looked over at the blonde who was enjoying the breeze from his rolled down window. He smiled at his contented expression. Evan suddenly turned to meet his eyes. Connor started, embarrassed to be caught staring.

"Is s-something on your mind?" The blonde asked cautiously.

Connor considered his answer. "...What makes you say that?"

Evan smiled nervously. "Your d-driving the speed limit."

He chuckled. Okay, he had to give him that one. "Just...thinking I guess."

"What about?" Connor wanted to tell him. He really did. He wanted to sort this whole thing out. But on top of him being a socially inept ass they were pulling into the school parking lot. "Talk about this later, okay?"

Evan smiled nervously but genuinely at him in a way that made his heart melt and his stomach do flip flops and replied "Um okay!"

 

 

If only later didn't have to come after such shitty circumstances.

One of his asshole classmates had provoked him into an outburst in front of the entire class. He had slammed his fist down on his desk and harshly whispered that if he was so fucking curious about how he threw that printer he'd be eager to give him a demonstration outside of school.

"Mr Murphy! Unless you have something pertinent to share with the class do NOT disrupt the lesson again!"

The room had filled with snickers and whispers and he could feel the pin pricks on his skin of every eye that was on him as the anger boiled just beneath the surface. Evan shot him a sympathetic look over his shoulder before Connor miserably buried his face into his arms for the remainder of the class and tried his damnedest to block everything out.

Lunch with Evan might have been nice if wasn't for that stupid Kleinman kid insisting upon inserting himself and never shutting the fuck up!

'Hey Acorn! So how goes things with the future school shooter? God calm down! Can't you take a joke?! So you two fuckin or what?'

Poor Evan just sputtered and covered his red face and did nothing as the asshole casually stole most of the food from his lunch tray. Connor couldn't help being a little mad at him for that. He wanted to see him tell this jackass what he really thought about him! Not hold back, like he'd done in his room that night. As for him? He was keeping quiet. He was clenching his fists so hard his knuckles were white because he felt like if he even flinched right now he'd start throwing punches. He kept his eyes forward, hoping he could get out of his lunch period without a suspension. Kleinman didn't seem to mind too much and continued tormenting Evan.

Apparently Connor really hadn't been paying attention much during their 'conversation' because Evan had to explain to him that Jared had browbeaten him into letting him drive him to his doctors appointment so his mom could see him doing something nice for him.

"Oh fan-fucking-tastic!" Connor yelled, throwing up his hands in frustration. He saw Evan jump back, flinching away in fear. His expression fell and guilt filled him. "I-I'm sorry." He tried.

He was worried and suddenly so much angrier. Angry at himself now. Sure he'd had a shitty day but that was no reason to take it out on Evan. None of this would have even happened in the first place if he could control his temper and keep his fucking mouth shut. And now he'd gone and blown up at Evan for something that wasn't even his fault.

"I... I have to go." He ran past Evan, past the class he was supposed to be in right now, all the way out to the parking lot. He got into his car and tore out onto the road as fast as he could. He needed to be anywhere but here.

Anywhere ended up being home. He headed straight for his room, for his stash. He needed desperately to calm down. He tore the panel off only to discover that he was out of anything that could possibly help. He growled in frustration and flipped the bedside table, sending everything on it crashing to the floor. He grabbed the chair from his desk and threw it against the wall. He buried his hands in his hair and sank to the ground, tears pricking his eyes.

 _"That's all your good for! Getting pissed and breaking shit!"_ He thought bitterly. He was disgusted with himself.

That thought had reminded him of something. He lifted his head and found the empty frame of the mirror that had once hung in his room. He had broken it a long time ago because, well, he was disgusted with himself, but had never bothered to get rid of the frame. What a perfect metaphor. Connor was broken. And he broke everything else around him. His parents, his sister, and eventually...he'd break Evan.

The thought brought even more tears. Connor pushed himself to his feet and staggered to the bathroom. Avoiding the harsh gaze of another mirror as best he could, he locked the door and pushed himself into the farthest corner of the room. He ended up huddled in between the tub and toilet. He belonged here. Where he couldn't hurt anyone.

He didn't know how long he stayed in there. It could have been hours. All he knew was that no matter how hard he tried he was unable to calm down. He was miserable and angry and tired and he couldn't control himself. _"That's why your in here dumbass! You have no control!"_

And then suddenly- Bam! Bam! Bam!

"Connor? You left school again?! Evans been trying to call you all day and dad's gonna be pissed when he gets home!"

Zoe. Oh god please no.

Not now.

"Go away Zoe!"

Please go away. I don't wanna hurt anybody.

"Answer me dammit!"

He saw red.

"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ZOE! I NEED TO BE ALONE, OKAY?!"

Please.

There was silence.

Had she left? He couldn't tell.

He thought about leaving. About going outside and finding somewhere to put all this rage but he was scared. Scared he'd run into Zoe on the way out and she'd ask him questions and he'd snap at her again and it would all be the same!

He shouldn't have come home.

He was trapped now.

He was a buzzing ball of white hot energy with no where to put it.

"...Connor?"

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

There's fear in his voice. And Connor can't decide whether he wishes Zoe would hear it.

She does.

She picks up her phone and dials Evans number. He'd called her and asked if Connor was okay. At least she has an answer for him now.

 

He wished he'd brought the razor he had hidden in his room. He was desperate to relieve the tension itching in his skin but then he felt guilty. So guilty because he promised Evan he'd never cut again! HE PROMISED!

"C-Connor?"

The small nervous voice breaks him from his thoughts. It's a godsend and it terrifies him all at the same time. Both the first and last person he wanted to see right now.

"Evan?!"

"Y-yeah! It's me! P-please open the door. Your sister is worried about you...I-I w-was worried too. W-we're both worried!"

The knob jiggles back and forth.

No. No! No! No! No! He can't see Evan right now! The rage inside feels enough to tear him apart, there's no telling what it could do to Evan.

"You can't be be here! I'll be fine! I just have to be alone!"

"Why? P-please Connor, tell me what's wrong? I want to help!"

"GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT!" He screams. He has to go away. He doesn't want him to go but he has to go!

"I'M NOT LEAVING CONNOR!"

It comes loud and resolute from the other side of the door. It's louder than Connors ever heard Evan be. The silence that follows indicates that their all a little shocked by it. Quieter but still just as firm, Evan asks "Would you feel better if I stayed outside the door?" Connor swallows to give his dry throat some brief relief and rasps "Yeah." There's a soft thud as Evan puts his back against the door and a slow shuffing as he slides down it to the floor.

Silence permeates the air again. Neither quite sure what to say. Connor is shocked when he hears quiet sniffles coming from the other side of the door. Evans voice is choked when he finally speaks "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" The shock has left and Connor is concerned and angry and miserable all over again.

"Shut up! Stop that! None of this is your fault and you know it! Stop apologizing!"

"I know but...shit! You don't deserve this! You don't deserve any of this! And.... I wanna make you feel better and I can't! And I'm sorry! I'm sorry I can't make you feel better Connor!"

He did it. He broke him. Evan Hansen, after all the shit he did, was bawling his eyes out because he couldn't make him feel better. And that broke him. Connor felt tears pouring down his cheeks. He threw himself forward on his hands and knees until he reached the bathroom door and pressed himself against it, as if to be as close to Evan as possible and began openly sobbing.

"Oh god Evan! Evan I don't deserve you! I'm such a piece of shit I can't even trust myself to be around you without a locked door! I'm sorry! I'm so so sorry!" Evan pressed his hand up against the door and murmured. "Connor...I...I trust you. It's okay. Open the door." Connor hesitated...then he unlocked and flung the door open. Evan was there, waiting for him. He threw himself into Evans arms who gladly accepted him. "I'm sorry." He wept. "I'm broken. I don't wanna break you too." He buried his face into Evans shoulder and cried. As the teary eyed blonde simply held him he looked towards Zoe who had been observing silently. She had her hand over her mouth, her eyes were also wet with tears, her head bent in contemplation.

 

 

Connor sat on the toilet with a wet rag, washing his face. He had calmed down considerably in the past hour or two. He was embarrassed but it wasn't like he wasn't used to causing a scene. Evan was downstairs right now getting him a glass of water for his extremely dry throat. He noticed a figure move into the doorway and looked to find Zoe. He raised his head curiously. That same look of contemplation remained on her face as she moved to stand in front of him. He raised an eyebrow. Her expression became concern.

It all happened so fast it took a second for Connor to realize what was happening. He had just seen a blur of purple and brown and he suddenly felt heavier.

Zoe was hugging him.

Like the protective squeezing kind of sibling hug. Once he realized it he awkwardly brought his arms up to return it. She pulled away and stood silent for a moment, not meeting his eyes before retreating from the bathroom.

A minute later Evan returned with the water and Connor gladly accepted. "We'll get through this." Evan murmured. "I don't know how but..." He trailed off. Connor cupped his face in his hand, pausing when Evan flinched slightly but quickly relaxed. He drew the other in for a chaste kiss. He pulled back and looked into his worried green eyes.

"Connor?"

"Hm?"

"T-this is probably gonna sound stupid but...are you...okay?"

Connor smiled sadly and placed a hand on the blondes head. "I will be. As long as your around."

And then Evan smiled that nervous yet genuine smile and Connor melted.

"I-I'm not going anywhere." It was a whisper. Because it was intimate. It was something meant only for the two of them. Evan nuzzled himself into his arms.

"Stay the night?" Connor almost begged. "I really don't want you to leave." While Evan didn't really want to face Connors parents at the inevitable dinner he found that he couldn't bring himself to leave his side.

"Sure." He replied, burying himself further into his embrace.


End file.
